The Greek word for forgiveness is asphesis, which means to liberate, to release from bondage; it means the remission of debt, guilt, and punishment. It is used when the prison door is opened and the prisoner can go free.
We humans are called to become free, to free others, to nurture life, to look for the worth and the beauty in each and every one of us, and to make our world a beautiful garden where each person and each society can create a harvest of flowers and fruits, and so prepare the seeds of peace for tomorrow.
I once talked about becoming free of the inner compulsions towards success, the drive to be admired, and the fear of rejection. When these compulsions and cravings govern our behaviour and prevent us from seeking justice and freedom for others, we are not free. I want to talk about finding freedom from those inner hurts that govern our behaviour and make us act inhumanly towards others.
Some of these hurts have been actively inflicted on us, for example, through verbal and physical abuse. Other wounds come more passively: at certain times, particularly when we were weak and in need, we have felt unappreciated and rejected. In either case, our needs were ignored by those who might of helped but who passed us by. Our hurts leave wounds in the heart, pushed down and covered over in the recesses of our being. These hurts are at the origin of the barriers that we create.
These barriers and the wounds they cover up prevent healthy belonging because they prevent communication and openness. In order to become truly free, which is to be most human, these barriers have to be removed. Forgiveness is this process of removing barriers it is the process by which we start to accept and to love those who have hurt us. This is the final stage of inner liberation. We react to hurts different ways. We can be driven to hurt those who have hurt us, to speak evil of those who have spoken evil of us. There are other ways of dealing with hurts. Some of us let the hurt fester inside, creating an attitude of continual disease and discontent with everything and everyone. The hurt that we hide can even turn into feelings of self-deprecation, as if we deserved it, because we we have become convinced that we have no value.
Hurts can also create feelings of guilt. There are two types of guilt: psychological guilt and moral guilt. The first is induced in us by others, those who have made us feel that we are without value. Psychologists frequently call this type of guilt "shame" in order to distinguish it from the second type, the one we induce in ourselves after having done something we consider wrong. Psychological guilt is not the consequences of having hurt someone or of committing a crime; it is the feeling that can overwhelm us when we feel rejected as individuals.
Many years ago John Paul came to l’Arche from a psychiatric hospital. At one point he became quite mentally ill and started having hallucinations. He moved out of reality and began to live in another world, a situation that was frightening for him as well as for the rest of us. All those who were involved with his care had a meeting with Erol Franko, our psychiatrist at the time. We wanted to understand what had provoked the crisis and how to help John Paul find himself again and rediscover reality. I still remember Dr. Franko’s exact words: "I believe John Paul feels guilty for existing." He reminded us that, because of his disability, this young man had been rejected by his parents, then by his grandparents, and yet again by two family placements. He eventually ended up in a psychiatric hospital before coming to l’Arche. Never in his life had he felt accepted or loved just as he was. He had never felt bonded with anyone. He had always been seen as a nuisance and a disturbance. If we are not loved, then we feel unlovable. This is psychological guilt, which touches us to our core.
Moral guilt and psychological guilt feed into each other. If we feel that we have no worth, it is because we have been told, in one way or another, that this is so. We will then act accordingly: we will hurt others precisely because we know we have no worth and can only do worthless things.
Many of the people with intellectual disabilities come to l’Arche filled with this psychological guilt. They are convinced that they are no good, and that they can do no good. The purpose of the l’Arche communities is to help people move from their broken, negative self-image into a positive one. We are trying to help them move from a desire to die to a desire to live, from self-hatred to self-love.
These feelings of worthlessness are induced in all of us as children whenever we feel rejected. Thus in childhood the shadow side of our being develops within us, and these feelings surface during moments of depression. To be depressed is to be flooded by feelings that paralyze us and prevent us from getting on with our lives. This psychological guilt is also at the root of our lack of trust in ourselves. Many of us lack trust not just in our ability to do something that demands experience and competence, but our capacity to love, and to be loved in return.
As I listen to people I discover how many of us are weighed down by guilt. Mothers and fathers feel guilty because they are imperfect parents. Husbands and wives feel guilty because they do not know how to love and care for their partner. Perhaps we all feel guilty because we are not quite who we wanted to become; to that extent all of us are disappointed in ourselves so we disappoint others. The question, then, is how to free ourselves from the weight of guilt? How can we rediscover the trust and faith that helps us to open up to others and do something beautiful in our lives? How can mother and child, or husband and wife, liberate one another from the feelings that prevent them from living fully? How can there be an encounter between them that releases new energy, transforming their hearts? This is the energy the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber refers to in his book "I and Thou" when he speaks of two people who truly meet together and reveal themselves to each other.
I once spoke about the love that transforms people, and that transformed Claudia, a young woman with severe disabilities in the l’Arche community in Honduras. This love reveals, understands, empowers, celebrates, and helps people to move from the desire to die to the desire to live. This love liberates us from the tentacles of psychological guilt which paralyzes us. It is a love that flows from someone who believes in us and wants us to live. But we have to open our hearts to receive this love. We can block it, refuse to believe in it, or not want it at all. Sometimes the desire to die can be overwhelming.
Here, I think, is the secret of our inner freedom. We can either welcome or refuse this transforming love. To forGIVE is to offer this love that liberates people from the powers of moral and psychological guilt. It is the supreme GIFT, the greatest of gifts, because it is a gift of liberation from all the hurts of the past, hurts that prevent us from living fully and loving others.
Jean Vanier
We humans are called to become free, to free others, to nurture life, to look for the worth and the beauty in each and every one of us, and to make our world a beautiful garden where each person and each society can create a harvest of flowers and fruits, and so prepare the seeds of peace for tomorrow.
I once talked about becoming free of the inner compulsions towards success, the drive to be admired, and the fear of rejection. When these compulsions and cravings govern our behaviour and prevent us from seeking justice and freedom for others, we are not free. I want to talk about finding freedom from those inner hurts that govern our behaviour and make us act inhumanly towards others.
Some of these hurts have been actively inflicted on us, for example, through verbal and physical abuse. Other wounds come more passively: at certain times, particularly when we were weak and in need, we have felt unappreciated and rejected. In either case, our needs were ignored by those who might of helped but who passed us by. Our hurts leave wounds in the heart, pushed down and covered over in the recesses of our being. These hurts are at the origin of the barriers that we create.
These barriers and the wounds they cover up prevent healthy belonging because they prevent communication and openness. In order to become truly free, which is to be most human, these barriers have to be removed. Forgiveness is this process of removing barriers it is the process by which we start to accept and to love those who have hurt us. This is the final stage of inner liberation. We react to hurts different ways. We can be driven to hurt those who have hurt us, to speak evil of those who have spoken evil of us. There are other ways of dealing with hurts. Some of us let the hurt fester inside, creating an attitude of continual disease and discontent with everything and everyone. The hurt that we hide can even turn into feelings of self-deprecation, as if we deserved it, because we we have become convinced that we have no value.
Hurts can also create feelings of guilt. There are two types of guilt: psychological guilt and moral guilt. The first is induced in us by others, those who have made us feel that we are without value. Psychologists frequently call this type of guilt "shame" in order to distinguish it from the second type, the one we induce in ourselves after having done something we consider wrong. Psychological guilt is not the consequences of having hurt someone or of committing a crime; it is the feeling that can overwhelm us when we feel rejected as individuals.
Many years ago John Paul came to l’Arche from a psychiatric hospital. At one point he became quite mentally ill and started having hallucinations. He moved out of reality and began to live in another world, a situation that was frightening for him as well as for the rest of us. All those who were involved with his care had a meeting with Erol Franko, our psychiatrist at the time. We wanted to understand what had provoked the crisis and how to help John Paul find himself again and rediscover reality. I still remember Dr. Franko’s exact words: "I believe John Paul feels guilty for existing." He reminded us that, because of his disability, this young man had been rejected by his parents, then by his grandparents, and yet again by two family placements. He eventually ended up in a psychiatric hospital before coming to l’Arche. Never in his life had he felt accepted or loved just as he was. He had never felt bonded with anyone. He had always been seen as a nuisance and a disturbance. If we are not loved, then we feel unlovable. This is psychological guilt, which touches us to our core.
Moral guilt and psychological guilt feed into each other. If we feel that we have no worth, it is because we have been told, in one way or another, that this is so. We will then act accordingly: we will hurt others precisely because we know we have no worth and can only do worthless things.
Many of the people with intellectual disabilities come to l’Arche filled with this psychological guilt. They are convinced that they are no good, and that they can do no good. The purpose of the l’Arche communities is to help people move from their broken, negative self-image into a positive one. We are trying to help them move from a desire to die to a desire to live, from self-hatred to self-love.
These feelings of worthlessness are induced in all of us as children whenever we feel rejected. Thus in childhood the shadow side of our being develops within us, and these feelings surface during moments of depression. To be depressed is to be flooded by feelings that paralyze us and prevent us from getting on with our lives. This psychological guilt is also at the root of our lack of trust in ourselves. Many of us lack trust not just in our ability to do something that demands experience and competence, but our capacity to love, and to be loved in return.
As I listen to people I discover how many of us are weighed down by guilt. Mothers and fathers feel guilty because they are imperfect parents. Husbands and wives feel guilty because they do not know how to love and care for their partner. Perhaps we all feel guilty because we are not quite who we wanted to become; to that extent all of us are disappointed in ourselves so we disappoint others. The question, then, is how to free ourselves from the weight of guilt? How can we rediscover the trust and faith that helps us to open up to others and do something beautiful in our lives? How can mother and child, or husband and wife, liberate one another from the feelings that prevent them from living fully? How can there be an encounter between them that releases new energy, transforming their hearts? This is the energy the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber refers to in his book "I and Thou" when he speaks of two people who truly meet together and reveal themselves to each other.
I once spoke about the love that transforms people, and that transformed Claudia, a young woman with severe disabilities in the l’Arche community in Honduras. This love reveals, understands, empowers, celebrates, and helps people to move from the desire to die to the desire to live. This love liberates us from the tentacles of psychological guilt which paralyzes us. It is a love that flows from someone who believes in us and wants us to live. But we have to open our hearts to receive this love. We can block it, refuse to believe in it, or not want it at all. Sometimes the desire to die can be overwhelming.
Here, I think, is the secret of our inner freedom. We can either welcome or refuse this transforming love. To forGIVE is to offer this love that liberates people from the powers of moral and psychological guilt. It is the supreme GIFT, the greatest of gifts, because it is a gift of liberation from all the hurts of the past, hurts that prevent us from living fully and loving others.
Jean Vanier
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